Sunday, September 25, 2005

be with me

So its a sunday night, and i'm updating here again. it struck me to update this place sometime ago. but as with everything i do, thought comes way before action. and sometimes, actions are too late. but anyway, the past week was spent in 1SIR. i kinda enjoyed it actually. its kinda alright, but its boring as a cadet, cos u have no work. but still, you learn and get along.

the only thing was that nightfall was a total bitch cos there was absolutely nothing to do. and cheok was the person with me, so that makes things kinda worse. its times like this when u suddenly appreciate the amount of things which OCS throws at you. you know, even in lull periods in OCS, when u lie on your bed and do absolutely nothing, you learn something. you talk cock with friends. you hang out and bitch. you don't stare at the ceiling and do nothing. OCS is absolutely the place to be. but screw it, why didnt' i know that earlier. im such a dumbass. at least i have it better than people in armour.

people say im lucky, i should have nothing to complain about. but i think my biggest regret to date would be that i didnt opt to stay in infantry. im an idiot. should have listened to LTA kelvin. argh. shoot me now. think its pointless to brood and bitch over things which could have been, and should have been.

anyway, yesterday, i was punk`d into doing stupid thing, like going for the us fair thing wif bra, which ended up toi be a totaly HOAx. ha! what else. went to momo at night. kinda alright, but its such an old crowd. and afternoon went out to watch be with me, but totally no tickets, so didnt watch it in the end and postponed it to today. yesterday i saw someone which looks vaguely like *****. didnt know if it was her. daMN. should have just gotten her number or something. what an idiot i am. impulsive in temper but not impulsive in such things. arghhhh hahaha.a.. what nonsense.

so since i postponed being with me, i watched it today. it really is a great work. and what really tied the movie in was the director's brilliant inter-twining of the 3 plots, making it an extremely introspective work, something which sets you thinking. apart from that, ezann and samantha were crazily hot. i was almost dying in my seat seeing them display moments of sweetness.

yet, the movie got me questioning. its such a accurate depiction. love in today's society. completely no identity. withdrawal of words and that's it. how we can communicate, yet fail to commmunicate. all we do is sms. sms. sms. sms. sms. sms. sms.

so crippled. our avenues of communication nowadays. and its just like that, the 2 lesb lovers in the movie never once uttered a single word to each other in the movie. and their romance was a whirlwind one. so sweet, yet so fast. in this drugged world, where all we get is a quick fix.

and the older man and his inability to let go. how he performed euthanasia on his wife. think your love has to go beyond really really really love to do euthanasia on the one you love. superb moment. how he supprressed her breath while he kissed her.

watching such movies aint good for me. makes me realise that it's been a long time since i've been in love. as in really in love. and also those puppy love days, when you just thought life was a bed of roses and lived with wild abandon. will i ever live that way again. haha. that's hard to say.

we all make wrong decisions at times. i just happened to make a few more than the others.

my friend daniel once told me. the worst thing about an officer is not that he makes the wrong decisions, but that he makes no decision. very true indeed.

yet, sometimes, things are hard and life is tough, but we all cope. sometimes, in a fleeting moment, it feels like it once did. and than reality hits me. it just isnt the same thing.

mervyn at 9/25/2005 03:22:00 PM

Sunday, September 11, 2005

what's new in here.

havent updated this place in ages. but today, wendy told me to update. actually no, she didnt tell me to update. she asked me why i didn't update. i had no reason. so i shall update.

its been close to a month since my last post.
so what's new? i'm now on attachment to 1SIR trying to make sense of the world that goes on around me. very much feel that i'd enjoy it better in an infantry role rather than a logistics role. logistics is just something for the sickly, old, weak, and feeble. but that doesnt explain why there're so many cdo and guards trained people in logistics though. logistics has a screwed up culture too. something which i feel is pointless and total load of wayang. lieks to drop catch phrases and tag lines here and there without believing in it or doing it. it sucks.

but then again, if i am posted to 1SIR in future, it'd be good. cos 1SIR has been best infantry unti and combat unit many times. i like. and i'll get to do my CSB there. something which i could have done with my very best mates in DELTA Wing like sometime soon. BUT NO! as fate has it, i have left DELTA wing, left behind my dear friends who i have spent happy and sad times with, people like my dearest YIjie, who is over at signals now, like SR, who is still stuck in DELTA. people like weexiong... oh man.. the sad times of my life.. and who says logs is easy. logs is the most intense mental torment i have gone through so far. every day i wake up, and i feel lousy. i'd rather go for ranger course. in logs, everyday u deal with idiots. you deal with people who are lousy leaders. basically, they are only good at slacking. idiots. real idiots.

now, me, im opposed to such crap. i believe in serving my country to the fullest. damn. but then again, i wont win the SOH or something like that cos SOH is for the actors. the ones who talk but no action. LOgs is full of people like that, but somehow, they seem to be the best. why?! cos they only know how to talk... don't know how to do things. IDIOTS. REAL IDIOTS.

ok, enough of my ranting. today, i ran 21km for army half marathon. how was it? hhonestly, i didnt think much. i just ran. now my legs ache. but who cares? its just 21 km. your legs just move, and you suck it up and run. my knees started aching like at 15km, so its not so good. but u just suck it up and run!!! do you rationalise why ur knee is pain and all that crap?! NO!!! U JUST RUN!! unlike LOGS, where everything they do must be rationalised, and somehow, the reasons they give are crap! rationalising for the sake of it. IDIOTS. PURE IDIOTS!

over the course of the past few months, i've been very acquainted with magazines and books. i've been reading a comic entitled death note, recommended to me by my beloved James. it is really nice. but its in chinese. but i read chinese, so its alright. i've also finished reading sightseeing by this thai boy, and its a nice book. something mundane, yet surreal. so its alright.

nothing much, but i need something else to get me through this semi-charmed kind of life. really. sooner or later, i'll just break down and die from this life. totally. really. i don't think anyone knows what they're doing here. life's so boring.

does she even know?

mervyn at 9/11/2005 11:10:00 AM